It almost feels wrong to say I haven't had a good Christmas this year. It feels selfish. Because Christmas isn't about ourselves. It's about the birth of Jesus Christ.
I'm a Christian and have never been ashamed to say that. Sure I do some 'unChristian' things, but that doesn't mean I'm not faithful that God provides and covers my needs with unmerited favor. It's tough for many people to wrap their head around.
"How can you believe in a deity that forgives ALL sins? Some sins should never be forgiven! How does a God let tragic things happen?"
Those are loaded questions I don't feel the need to answer at this time, because those questions aren't the point of this blog.
My point is this Christmas was different for my family. My father's incarcerated, which meant a visit to his holding facility instead of sitting around opening presents we bought each other. My mother, brother, and I had dinner, but it wasn't the same. It was very depressing. I wanted to be strong and believe that God's bigger than out situation and that everything will work out for us.
But I'm not ashamed to say my faith wavered somewhat. I'm only human. Jesus never lost faith because he was God in the flesh. As human beings, we're flawed. Some believe that God's too far to reach through prayer and some believe he doesn't exist. I believe he exists and I also believe He's not too big to listen to prayers or to see our thoughts an imaginations. That's what has kept me going.
I'm surprised at how well I'm holding up through such difficult times. My mother's not handling my dad being away very well at all. My brother started a new job, so he's preoccupied with other concerns, which is a good thing. I, on the other hand, have had to take the lion's share of the responsibility in keeping the peace in my family. That's a full-time job itself. But I'm making it.
What really got to me was hearing about other's Christmas activities. It was business as usual for most of my friends. It's as if no one had empathy for my situation. We had no gifts to give because there's no money to buy them with. I'm not asking for any handouts or anything. We can pay bills and keep warm, but there's no disposable income. It annoys me when I get a phone call about presents being given or dinners being eaten and very little mention about how I'm doing. It bothers me.
I am blessed with the ability to listen, even when it doesn't seem like I am. My brother things I ignore him all the time, but he has no idea I hear every word he says. I listen intently because I know I can be of assistance. I love giving advice or giving encouraging words. It's one of the many gifts God has blessed me with.
I live by a simple motto when the going gets tough or when things look dire.
"Everything.. is going to be alright."So even though this holiday season didn't have a tree to decorate, presents to open, or traditional Christmas cheer, it's not the worst Christmas anyone could ever have. At least I got to see my father at all. Some visited gravestones where their father is laid to rest. Some don't even know their father. I'm thankful for what I have and know that God is a provider and he'll provide me the strength to move forward.
2014 can't get here soon enough!
